*Disclaimer-While what I was feeling was horrible and what you are about to read isn't puppies and rainbows, I am doing MUCH better since this was originally written and love our little girl more than words can say.
This birth story may not sit well with some. It is not the full of love kind that I seem to be reading everywhere. I remember being so excited to write a birth story until the actual birth happened. I wasn’t going to write one, but if this helps someone then it is worth writing.
My due date was September 7th and I had been ready to have this baby for months! I was so tired of being in pain that I kept hoping she would come early. My doctor said she expected her to be late and that she had been measuring right on.
On Monday August 23rd I got up feeling the same pains as always. I had been having menstrual like cramps for weeks so I wasn’t surprised that I was feeling them that day. I had been extra swollen though. I was retaining a lot of water which the Dr. said was fine unless I was waking up swollen. 2 days before I gave in and called to let them know I woke up swollen but never got a call back. So I called Monday morning and was told the NP would call me back. At 2:30pm I still hadn’t received a call so I called them again just to make sure I would get a call back before the office closed. They told me she would call me after she was done with the patient she was seeing. My cramps were really bothering me but they weren’t any different then what I had already been experiencing so I thought nothing of it. I got a call back and the NP told me to go to L&D to be tested for Pre-eclampsia. My friend was over so she offered to drive me. While we were on our way there I started having more intense stomach pains. They pain was constant so it didn't occur to me that they were contractions. By the time we got to the hospital I really wasn’t feeling too great. They put me in a room (the best room on the floor by the way) Right on the ocean!
The nurse came in and started doing tests for Pre-E. The pain was getting more intense and I told her so. She said I was contracting every 4 minutes! She didn’t want to pay any mind to that though until she got the results back. However, I was getting more and more uncomfortable. The tests came back and everything came back fine. That was about 2 hours after I got there. They checked me and I was 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. They continued to monitor me for another hour and called my doctor. They decided to go ahead and admit me. Ricky got there and we sat and waited. The contractions kept getting worse and I requested a birthing ball. In that hour my blood pressure had skyrocketed and my heart rate was really high so they wouldn’t let me walk around or do anything to alleviate the pain. I had wanted to go natural so I tried to wait it out. The only relief I would get is when I would get up to go to the bathroom. They started me on Pitocin because I was moving so slow. My pain had gone to my back which hurt worse than the front and laying down made it worse. I just cried and cried and after 6 hours accepted the epidural. Life became wonderful within minutes…until the itching started. Itching is a side effect of epidural and I got it bad! I had progressed to a 3 but that was it. They told us both to get some rest. I couldn’t sleep because the itching was so bad. Around 3am a doctor came in and broke my bag of waters. A couple hours later I had only dilated to a 4-5cm. That is when a c-section was mentioned which was the LAST thing I wanted. They decided to let me go a little longer. I was feeling a lot of pressure in my vaginal area. I could tell that my body was trying to push her out. Even on the epidural I could feel the pain down there and my whole body would shake. I had progressed 100% and was 100% effaced but she wasn’t dropping. They checked again around nine and I asked them to please let me wait longer to see if she would drop. Around noon the nurse came in and told me that I would have to deliver via c-section. I had been in labor for over 20 hours at this point and my blood pressure and heart rate were concerning. I started to cry but knew there was nothing I could do.
Once I was in the OR they started the epidural hard core and it made me sick. Nothing like throwing up when you are about to give birth! They gave me something for it and it worked within about 15 seconds. MAGIC! I started to shake really bad though and I wanted nothing more than a drink of water. Even though I was numb, the whole c-section experience was not pleasant. At first Ricky was giving me a play by play of what was going on, but I had to ask him to stop. After they got her out I didn't hear her cry and they didn’t bring her to me, I didn’t understand what was going on. They told Ricky he could help cut the rest of the umbilical cord. They rolled her by me and said I could look at her but that they needed to check her out. I remember looking over and feeling nothing. I just thought she looked funny. I immediately started asking for water or ice chips. The nurse said I would have to wait until we got to recovery which would be about 10 minutes. 40 minutes later I was being rolled into recovery and I was still shaking uncontrollably. It hurt my jaw even. I was pretty out of it and kept going in and out of sleep and talking about really weird things. I FINALLY got to have some ice chips but only a little at a time as I could have started to throw up and I would have been in a world of pain. I was told they had taken our baby to the NICU because she was having respiratory stress. After about an hour in recovery they took me (bed and all) up to the NICU and I was able to see our baby. She seemed fine! She weighed 8lbs 10oz. definitely not a baby you typically see in the NICU. I felt bad for all of the other babies. They weren’t clear on what was going on or why she had to stay there. I was still pretty drugged up so it was hard for me to wrap my head around everything. They put me in a room on the same floor as the NICU. Moving me from one bed to the other was terrible. I was in so much pain! They wouldn’t let me pump right away either. I was upset that I couldn't go see her. I had always imagined that I would give birth to her naturally and have the beautiful moment where they would immediately lay her on my chest. When they told me I had to have a c-section, I was worried about not having her and they assured me I would have her within an hour. Now I was stuck in a room and unable to hold my child. Ricky went to see her and I was so glad he could be with her and she wouldn't be alone but I felt horrible at the same time. Our baby was born at 1:40pm and at 2am they came in and wanted me to walk to the bathroom. It took about 10 minutes just to get me out of bed. It hurt so bad. When they finally got me standing, blood poured out all over the floor and I was unable to even take a step. They told me to get back in bed and the next morning they came in to have me try again. They said if I was able to make it to the bathroom then I could go see our baby. It took a while but I made it and soon we were off to the NICU to see our daughter. We went to every feeding and tried to breastfeed but because she was in the NICU she was required to eat a certain amount so they were giving her a bottle of formula. My milk hadn’t come in yet either. This caused her to have nipple confusion and made breastfeeding incredibly difficult. We asked to speak to a doctor the next day because we did not understand why our baby was even in the NICU. Turns out she wasn’t breathing when she came out and there was meconium inside of me when she was born which is a sign of fetal distress. I had a fever and my levels were still high so they were worried she had an infection. They had to keep her there on antibiotics until tests could confirm that she was fine. We didn’t get to have her in our room until Friday night (3 days later) and we were discharged Saturday morning.
I didn’t want to leave the hospital. Something about being there was comforting. What was worse was I realized I felt like I didn’t love my baby. I looked at her and she didn’t seem like mine. I wanted her to go away. I was still in so much pain and my Ricky was not able to stay home from work like he was supposed to. They wouldn’t even let him take unpaid time off. So to come home from such a long week with a baby who refused to breastfeed and my milk still not in and having my husband not be around was so hard. I couldn’t stand to look at her. I cried all day for the next couple days. I felt like having a child was the biggest mistake we had made. I realized that the time I had with my husband before was gone and I hated it. I wanted to be with my husband…to spend time with him and not be at the mercy of this little person.
The feeding was terrible. She would scream bloody murder when I would try to feed her on the breast so then we would have to supplement. I started having panic attacks so I then began pumping all the time. We saw a Lactation Consultant three times and things are finally starting to get better. I am seeing a therapist and am on medication. I am told I have post-partum depression. I never thought in a million years I would feel so disconnected from my child. I am scared, selfish and just want my old life back. I am taking every day as it comes and hoping for a better tomorrow.
I know this isn’t a happy birth story but if you feel like this…get help. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. It really helps to know you are not alone.
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