I have to organize pictures and dates but will be catching up with Gwen's pictures and milestones soon.
We moved. Across country! I have lived in Southern California my entire life and three weeks ago we moved to North Carolina. It's quite a shock. I am missing family and friends terribly. It's also amazing how much Gwen has grown in such a short period as well.
Anyway, stay tuned and bare with me as I play "catch up." Once that is done there will be regular updates and current events.
God Bless!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
August 24th, 2010
I went in to labor August 23rd, 2010 so a couple pictures are from that but after 22 hours in the hospital, we were unable to deliver naturally and Gwendolyn was born via c-section on August 24th, 2010 at 1:40pm. 8 pounds 10 ounces, 19 1/2 inches long!
Our beautiful view. Newport Beach, CA
Our Sweetheart in the NICU
My first time holding her...a DAY later!
PPD Update
Post Partum Depression effects more women than people realize. Many are ashamed to talk about it and get the help they need. The stories that you hear on the news about the women who kill their children are not a common occurance. However, if you have PPD and do not get help, it can turn into something very dangerous.
Once I realized something was really wrong we called my OB. They got me in to see her the same day. She assured me that this happens to women but that her expertise would not be enough to help me. Before I left the office they called around to different psychiatrists AND psychologist to try and get me an appt ASAP. A psychiatrist can prescribe medicine, and psychologist. A psychiatrist presribes medication a psychologist does not, but it is imporant to receive both forms of treatment. Unfortunately, many of these types of doctors do not accept medical insurance and to see a psyhiatrist alone would be $400 and we did not have it at the time. I went home and made some phone calls myself. One of the therapists (psychologist) called me and informed me that her fee was $150. Knowing that I would have to see a therapist more than once, this was not something we could afford, but would do what we could to get me the help I needed. I was infront with her that the cost was an issue for us. She called back a little while later and told me she had called my insurance and got them to approve her for payment! We believe this was definitely God working. I got in to see her the very next day and after talking and crying and admitting things that I could hardly bare to admit, she agreed that I had a severe case of PPD. I had a hard time believing it. She assured me it wasn't my fault, but I felt like it was. I felt like I was a horrible person and a failure as a mother. She told me it was very important for me to see a psychiatrist and to come and see her. She promised that I WOULD get better.
The nurse practioner from my OBs office called to see if I had gotten in to see a pshyciatrist and I told them that I was having a hard time getting them to cover someone. Boy was she upset! She told me it was unacceptable and that she would call them if they didn't have an answer for me within the hour. She called me back pretty shortly after that to tell me she found someone who could see me. There is a psychiatrist in the same building so she walked over and called me from their office to ensure I got an appt. Tell me that isn't the LORD working. These people really took the time to help me and I feel so grateful. Soon I began both treatments. I was put on medication but I was still experiencing some severe symptoms and I was put on a very low dose of an antipsychotic medication. Within 3 days I felt so much better. While they were fleeting, I had moments where I felt like a normal human being again. I was only on that medicine for 2 weeks and it made a huge difference. I am still on an antidepressent. It is recommended that I stay on it for a year, as it can take that long for a womans horomones to return to "normal." I say normal because we women are always crazy! =D
Gwendolyn will be 5 months old in a couple days but I love her SO much. I feel so much better and I have been doing well for a couple months now. I still get overwhelmed sometimes but I believe that happens to any new mother. If you are experiencing depression please talk to you doctor. At times it can seem like you will not survive, but with proper treatment, you can and WILL get better.
Ricky and I prayed through this terrible time and believe God played a big hand in my healing. He provided ways for me to get help. Everyday I had to say "this is not my fault. I will get better" sometimes I didn't believe it, but eventually I did.
People can be judgemental but that is their problem. Do not be ashamed to seek help and comfort. Some people did not receive my honesty well, but for those who did, they provided support I desperately needed. Only Gods judgement matters, and He loves you no matter what.
Once I realized something was really wrong we called my OB. They got me in to see her the same day. She assured me that this happens to women but that her expertise would not be enough to help me. Before I left the office they called around to different psychiatrists AND psychologist to try and get me an appt ASAP. A psychiatrist can prescribe medicine, and psychologist. A psychiatrist presribes medication a psychologist does not, but it is imporant to receive both forms of treatment. Unfortunately, many of these types of doctors do not accept medical insurance and to see a psyhiatrist alone would be $400 and we did not have it at the time. I went home and made some phone calls myself. One of the therapists (psychologist) called me and informed me that her fee was $150. Knowing that I would have to see a therapist more than once, this was not something we could afford, but would do what we could to get me the help I needed. I was infront with her that the cost was an issue for us. She called back a little while later and told me she had called my insurance and got them to approve her for payment! We believe this was definitely God working. I got in to see her the very next day and after talking and crying and admitting things that I could hardly bare to admit, she agreed that I had a severe case of PPD. I had a hard time believing it. She assured me it wasn't my fault, but I felt like it was. I felt like I was a horrible person and a failure as a mother. She told me it was very important for me to see a psychiatrist and to come and see her. She promised that I WOULD get better.
The nurse practioner from my OBs office called to see if I had gotten in to see a pshyciatrist and I told them that I was having a hard time getting them to cover someone. Boy was she upset! She told me it was unacceptable and that she would call them if they didn't have an answer for me within the hour. She called me back pretty shortly after that to tell me she found someone who could see me. There is a psychiatrist in the same building so she walked over and called me from their office to ensure I got an appt. Tell me that isn't the LORD working. These people really took the time to help me and I feel so grateful. Soon I began both treatments. I was put on medication but I was still experiencing some severe symptoms and I was put on a very low dose of an antipsychotic medication. Within 3 days I felt so much better. While they were fleeting, I had moments where I felt like a normal human being again. I was only on that medicine for 2 weeks and it made a huge difference. I am still on an antidepressent. It is recommended that I stay on it for a year, as it can take that long for a womans horomones to return to "normal." I say normal because we women are always crazy! =D
Gwendolyn will be 5 months old in a couple days but I love her SO much. I feel so much better and I have been doing well for a couple months now. I still get overwhelmed sometimes but I believe that happens to any new mother. If you are experiencing depression please talk to you doctor. At times it can seem like you will not survive, but with proper treatment, you can and WILL get better.
Ricky and I prayed through this terrible time and believe God played a big hand in my healing. He provided ways for me to get help. Everyday I had to say "this is not my fault. I will get better" sometimes I didn't believe it, but eventually I did.
People can be judgemental but that is their problem. Do not be ashamed to seek help and comfort. Some people did not receive my honesty well, but for those who did, they provided support I desperately needed. Only Gods judgement matters, and He loves you no matter what.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Birth Story
From the time we found out we were pregnant I have been a part of an online community on TheBump.com. The ladies there have become an extension of our family. Sharing all the intimacies of pregnancy and beyond. This is the birth story I shared:
This birth story may not sit well with some. It is not the full of love kind that I seem to be reading everywhere. I remember being so excited to write a birth story until the actual birth happened. I wasn’t going to write one, but if this helps someone then it is worth writing.
My due date was September 7th and I had been ready to have this baby for months! I was so tired of being in pain that I kept hoping she would come early. My doctor said she expected her to be late and that she had been measuring right on.
On Monday August 23rd I got up feeling the same pains as always. I had been having menstrual like cramps for weeks so I wasn’t surprised that I was feeling them that day. I had been extra swollen though. I was retaining a lot of water which the Dr. said was fine unless I was waking up swollen. 2 days before I gave in and called to let them know I woke up swollen but never got a call back. So I called Monday morning and was told the NP would call me back. At 2:30pm I still hadn’t received a call so I called them again just to make sure I would get a call back before the office closed. They told me she would call me after she was done with the patient she was seeing. My cramps were really bothering me but they weren’t any different then what I had already been experiencing so I thought nothing of it. I got a call back and the NP told me to go to L&D to be tested for Pre-eclampsia. My friend was over so she offered to drive me. While we were on our way there I started having more intense stomach pains. They pain was constant so it didn't occur to me that they were contractions. By the time we got to the hospital I really wasn’t feeling too great. They put me in a room (the best room on the floor by the way) Right on the ocean!
The nurse came in and started doing tests for Pre-E. The pain was getting more intense and I told her so. She said I was contracting every 4 minutes! She didn’t want to pay any mind to that though until she got the results back. However, I was getting more and more uncomfortable. The tests came back and everything came back fine. That was about 2 hours after I got there. They checked me and I was 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. They continued to monitor me for another hour and called my doctor. They decided to go ahead and admit me. Ricky got there and we sat and waited. The contractions kept getting worse and I requested a birthing ball. In that hour my blood pressure had skyrocketed and my heart rate was really high so they wouldn’t let me walk around or do anything to alleviate the pain. I had wanted to go natural so I tried to wait it out. The only relief I would get is when I would get up to go to the bathroom. They started me on Pitocin because I was moving so slow. My pain had gone to my back which hurt worse than the front and laying down made it worse. I just cried and cried and after 6 hours accepted the epidural. Life became wonderful within minutes…until the itching started. Itching is a side effect of epidural and I got it bad! I had progressed to a 3 but that was it. They told us both to get some rest. I couldn’t sleep because the itching was so bad. Around 3am a doctor came in and broke my bag of waters. A couple hours later I had only dilated to a 4-5cm. That is when a c-section was mentioned which was the LAST thing I wanted. They decided to let me go a little longer. I was feeling a lot of pressure in my vaginal area. I could tell that my body was trying to push her out. Even on the epidural I could feel the pain down there and my whole body would shake. I had progressed 100% and was 100% effaced but she wasn’t dropping. They checked again around nine and I asked them to please let me wait longer to see if she would drop. Around noon the nurse came in and told me that I would have to deliver via c-section. I had been in labor for over 20 hours at this point and my blood pressure and heart rate were concerning. I started to cry but knew there was nothing I could do.
Once I was in the OR they started the epidural hard core and it made me sick. Nothing like throwing up when you are about to give birth! They gave me something for it and it worked within about 15 seconds. MAGIC! I started to shake really bad though and I wanted nothing more than a drink of water. Even though I was numb, the whole c-section experience was not pleasant. At first Ricky was giving me a play by play of what was going on, but I had to ask him to stop. After they got her out I didn't hear her cry and they didn’t bring her to me, I didn’t understand what was going on. They told Ricky he could help cut the rest of the umbilical cord. They rolled her by me and said I could look at her but that they needed to check her out. I remember looking over and feeling nothing. I just thought she looked funny. I immediately started asking for water or ice chips. The nurse said I would have to wait until we got to recovery which would be about 10 minutes. 40 minutes later I was being rolled into recovery and I was still shaking uncontrollably. It hurt my jaw even. I was pretty out of it and kept going in and out of sleep and talking about really weird things. I FINALLY got to have some ice chips but only a little at a time as I could have started to throw up and I would have been in a world of pain. I was told they had taken our baby to the NICU because she was having respiratory stress. After about an hour in recovery they took me (bed and all) up to the NICU and I was able to see our baby. She seemed fine! She weighed 8lbs 10oz. definitely not a baby you typically see in the NICU. I felt bad for all of the other babies. They weren’t clear on what was going on or why she had to stay there. I was still pretty drugged up so it was hard for me to wrap my head around everything. They put me in a room on the same floor as the NICU. Moving me from one bed to the other was terrible. I was in so much pain! They wouldn’t let me pump right away either. I was upset that I couldn't go see her. I had always imagined that I would give birth to her naturally and have the beautiful moment where they would immediately lay her on my chest. When they told me I had to have a c-section, I was worried about not having her and they assured me I would have her within an hour. Now I was stuck in a room and unable to hold my child. Ricky went to see her and I was so glad he could be with her and she wouldn't be alone but I felt horrible at the same time. Our baby was born at 1:40pm and at 2am they came in and wanted me to walk to the bathroom. It took about 10 minutes just to get me out of bed. It hurt so bad. When they finally got me standing, blood poured out all over the floor and I was unable to even take a step. They told me to get back in bed and the next morning they came in to have me try again. They said if I was able to make it to the bathroom then I could go see our baby. It took a while but I made it and soon we were off to the NICU to see our daughter. We went to every feeding and tried to breastfeed but because she was in the NICU she was required to eat a certain amount so they were giving her a bottle of formula. My milk hadn’t come in yet either. This caused her to have nipple confusion and made breastfeeding incredibly difficult. We asked to speak to a doctor the next day because we did not understand why our baby was even in the NICU. Turns out she wasn’t breathing when she came out and there was meconium inside of me when she was born which is a sign of fetal distress. I had a fever and my levels were still high so they were worried she had an infection. They had to keep her there on antibiotics until tests could confirm that she was fine. We didn’t get to have her in our room until Friday night (3 days later) and we were discharged Saturday morning.
I didn’t want to leave the hospital. Something about being there was comforting. What was worse was I realized I felt like I didn’t love my baby. I looked at her and she didn’t seem like mine. I wanted her to go away. I was still in so much pain and my Ricky was not able to stay home from work like he was supposed to. They wouldn’t even let him take unpaid time off. So to come home from such a long week with a baby who refused to breastfeed and my milk still not in and having my husband not be around was so hard. I couldn’t stand to look at her. I cried all day for the next couple days. I felt like having a child was the biggest mistake we had made. I realized that the time I had with my husband before was gone and I hated it. I wanted to be with my husband…to spend time with him and not be at the mercy of this little person.
The feeding was terrible. She would scream bloody murder when I would try to feed her on the breast so then we would have to supplement. I started having panic attacks so I then began pumping all the time. We saw a Lactation Consultant three times and things are finally starting to get better. I am seeing a therapist and am on medication. I am told I have post-partum depression. I never thought in a million years I would feel so disconnected from my child. I am scared, selfish and just want my old life back. I am taking every day as it comes and hoping for a better tomorrow.
I know this isn’t a happy birth story but if you feel like this…get help. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. It really helps to know you are not alone.
*Disclaimer-While what I was feeling was horrible and what you are about to read isn't puppies and rainbows, I am doing MUCH better since this was originally written and love our little girl more than words can say.
This birth story may not sit well with some. It is not the full of love kind that I seem to be reading everywhere. I remember being so excited to write a birth story until the actual birth happened. I wasn’t going to write one, but if this helps someone then it is worth writing.
My due date was September 7th and I had been ready to have this baby for months! I was so tired of being in pain that I kept hoping she would come early. My doctor said she expected her to be late and that she had been measuring right on.
On Monday August 23rd I got up feeling the same pains as always. I had been having menstrual like cramps for weeks so I wasn’t surprised that I was feeling them that day. I had been extra swollen though. I was retaining a lot of water which the Dr. said was fine unless I was waking up swollen. 2 days before I gave in and called to let them know I woke up swollen but never got a call back. So I called Monday morning and was told the NP would call me back. At 2:30pm I still hadn’t received a call so I called them again just to make sure I would get a call back before the office closed. They told me she would call me after she was done with the patient she was seeing. My cramps were really bothering me but they weren’t any different then what I had already been experiencing so I thought nothing of it. I got a call back and the NP told me to go to L&D to be tested for Pre-eclampsia. My friend was over so she offered to drive me. While we were on our way there I started having more intense stomach pains. They pain was constant so it didn't occur to me that they were contractions. By the time we got to the hospital I really wasn’t feeling too great. They put me in a room (the best room on the floor by the way) Right on the ocean!
The nurse came in and started doing tests for Pre-E. The pain was getting more intense and I told her so. She said I was contracting every 4 minutes! She didn’t want to pay any mind to that though until she got the results back. However, I was getting more and more uncomfortable. The tests came back and everything came back fine. That was about 2 hours after I got there. They checked me and I was 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. They continued to monitor me for another hour and called my doctor. They decided to go ahead and admit me. Ricky got there and we sat and waited. The contractions kept getting worse and I requested a birthing ball. In that hour my blood pressure had skyrocketed and my heart rate was really high so they wouldn’t let me walk around or do anything to alleviate the pain. I had wanted to go natural so I tried to wait it out. The only relief I would get is when I would get up to go to the bathroom. They started me on Pitocin because I was moving so slow. My pain had gone to my back which hurt worse than the front and laying down made it worse. I just cried and cried and after 6 hours accepted the epidural. Life became wonderful within minutes…until the itching started. Itching is a side effect of epidural and I got it bad! I had progressed to a 3 but that was it. They told us both to get some rest. I couldn’t sleep because the itching was so bad. Around 3am a doctor came in and broke my bag of waters. A couple hours later I had only dilated to a 4-5cm. That is when a c-section was mentioned which was the LAST thing I wanted. They decided to let me go a little longer. I was feeling a lot of pressure in my vaginal area. I could tell that my body was trying to push her out. Even on the epidural I could feel the pain down there and my whole body would shake. I had progressed 100% and was 100% effaced but she wasn’t dropping. They checked again around nine and I asked them to please let me wait longer to see if she would drop. Around noon the nurse came in and told me that I would have to deliver via c-section. I had been in labor for over 20 hours at this point and my blood pressure and heart rate were concerning. I started to cry but knew there was nothing I could do.
Once I was in the OR they started the epidural hard core and it made me sick. Nothing like throwing up when you are about to give birth! They gave me something for it and it worked within about 15 seconds. MAGIC! I started to shake really bad though and I wanted nothing more than a drink of water. Even though I was numb, the whole c-section experience was not pleasant. At first Ricky was giving me a play by play of what was going on, but I had to ask him to stop. After they got her out I didn't hear her cry and they didn’t bring her to me, I didn’t understand what was going on. They told Ricky he could help cut the rest of the umbilical cord. They rolled her by me and said I could look at her but that they needed to check her out. I remember looking over and feeling nothing. I just thought she looked funny. I immediately started asking for water or ice chips. The nurse said I would have to wait until we got to recovery which would be about 10 minutes. 40 minutes later I was being rolled into recovery and I was still shaking uncontrollably. It hurt my jaw even. I was pretty out of it and kept going in and out of sleep and talking about really weird things. I FINALLY got to have some ice chips but only a little at a time as I could have started to throw up and I would have been in a world of pain. I was told they had taken our baby to the NICU because she was having respiratory stress. After about an hour in recovery they took me (bed and all) up to the NICU and I was able to see our baby. She seemed fine! She weighed 8lbs 10oz. definitely not a baby you typically see in the NICU. I felt bad for all of the other babies. They weren’t clear on what was going on or why she had to stay there. I was still pretty drugged up so it was hard for me to wrap my head around everything. They put me in a room on the same floor as the NICU. Moving me from one bed to the other was terrible. I was in so much pain! They wouldn’t let me pump right away either. I was upset that I couldn't go see her. I had always imagined that I would give birth to her naturally and have the beautiful moment where they would immediately lay her on my chest. When they told me I had to have a c-section, I was worried about not having her and they assured me I would have her within an hour. Now I was stuck in a room and unable to hold my child. Ricky went to see her and I was so glad he could be with her and she wouldn't be alone but I felt horrible at the same time. Our baby was born at 1:40pm and at 2am they came in and wanted me to walk to the bathroom. It took about 10 minutes just to get me out of bed. It hurt so bad. When they finally got me standing, blood poured out all over the floor and I was unable to even take a step. They told me to get back in bed and the next morning they came in to have me try again. They said if I was able to make it to the bathroom then I could go see our baby. It took a while but I made it and soon we were off to the NICU to see our daughter. We went to every feeding and tried to breastfeed but because she was in the NICU she was required to eat a certain amount so they were giving her a bottle of formula. My milk hadn’t come in yet either. This caused her to have nipple confusion and made breastfeeding incredibly difficult. We asked to speak to a doctor the next day because we did not understand why our baby was even in the NICU. Turns out she wasn’t breathing when she came out and there was meconium inside of me when she was born which is a sign of fetal distress. I had a fever and my levels were still high so they were worried she had an infection. They had to keep her there on antibiotics until tests could confirm that she was fine. We didn’t get to have her in our room until Friday night (3 days later) and we were discharged Saturday morning.
I didn’t want to leave the hospital. Something about being there was comforting. What was worse was I realized I felt like I didn’t love my baby. I looked at her and she didn’t seem like mine. I wanted her to go away. I was still in so much pain and my Ricky was not able to stay home from work like he was supposed to. They wouldn’t even let him take unpaid time off. So to come home from such a long week with a baby who refused to breastfeed and my milk still not in and having my husband not be around was so hard. I couldn’t stand to look at her. I cried all day for the next couple days. I felt like having a child was the biggest mistake we had made. I realized that the time I had with my husband before was gone and I hated it. I wanted to be with my husband…to spend time with him and not be at the mercy of this little person.
The feeding was terrible. She would scream bloody murder when I would try to feed her on the breast so then we would have to supplement. I started having panic attacks so I then began pumping all the time. We saw a Lactation Consultant three times and things are finally starting to get better. I am seeing a therapist and am on medication. I am told I have post-partum depression. I never thought in a million years I would feel so disconnected from my child. I am scared, selfish and just want my old life back. I am taking every day as it comes and hoping for a better tomorrow.
I know this isn’t a happy birth story but if you feel like this…get help. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. It really helps to know you are not alone.
Long Over Due
Obviously it has been months since I have updated this blog. Two days after my last post, our baby girl graced us with her presence. Shortly after returning home from the hospital I fell into a devastating state of PPD. Blogging about our birth experience and life after was not on the top of my list. I am doing so much better now and love our little girl with all my heart. We are about to make the biggest move that I personally have made...moving across the country! I feel like now is the time to start blogging again. I will go through each of the events as best as I remember them and get caught up!
Stay Tuned!
Stay Tuned!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
37 Weeks
Today brings two beautiful words: full-term. Now, whenever baby's born, he's likely to thrive. Also thriving? Your nesting instincts, which are behind those sudden urges to bake, clean, or embroider a onesie. (Feminists, take your issue up with nature, not with us.)
Baby's now the size of a watermelon!
Your full-term (yay!) baby is gaining about 1/2 ounce a day and getting his first sticky poop (called meconium) ready. He's also brushing up on skills for the outside world: blinking, sucking, inhaling, exhaling, and gripping (it's getting strong!).
Average size is around 6.5 pounds now! The baby practices breathing movements preparing for life outside the womb. His/her grasp becomes firm, and s/he will turn toward light.
Vaginal discharge may be heavier now and will have more cervical mucous in it as your body prepares for labor. What position is your baby in? Is it head down or butt first? Whichever position your baby is in now is generally the way s/he will stay. If your baby is breech, you may need a cesarean or your care provider might recommend an external version in which your abdomen is manipulated in such a way that it turns head down. This is successful 60 to 70% of the time.
If you're planning to return to work outside the home at some point after delivery, you can still breastfeed your baby. Many moms pump their breasts at work so that baby's careprovider can feed her with expressed breast milk in bottles. Other moms are able to visit the baby during the day for a few feedings while other others take their babies to work with them. Explore your options BEFORE you go back to work (preferrably before you begin maternity leave). Read our articles:
Baby's now the size of a watermelon!
Your full-term (yay!) baby is gaining about 1/2 ounce a day and getting his first sticky poop (called meconium) ready. He's also brushing up on skills for the outside world: blinking, sucking, inhaling, exhaling, and gripping (it's getting strong!).
Average size is around 6.5 pounds now! The baby practices breathing movements preparing for life outside the womb. His/her grasp becomes firm, and s/he will turn toward light.
Vaginal discharge may be heavier now and will have more cervical mucous in it as your body prepares for labor. What position is your baby in? Is it head down or butt first? Whichever position your baby is in now is generally the way s/he will stay. If your baby is breech, you may need a cesarean or your care provider might recommend an external version in which your abdomen is manipulated in such a way that it turns head down. This is successful 60 to 70% of the time.
If you're planning to return to work outside the home at some point after delivery, you can still breastfeed your baby. Many moms pump their breasts at work so that baby's careprovider can feed her with expressed breast milk in bottles. Other moms are able to visit the baby during the day for a few feedings while other others take their babies to work with them. Explore your options BEFORE you go back to work (preferrably before you begin maternity leave). Read our articles:
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